Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.


My favorite quote from the Harry Potter series is spoken by Dumbledore shortly after Harry has been struck down by Voldemort.  Harry is experiencing the afterlife and he asks his former headmaster if any of this is real or if it is all just in his head.  Here is Dumbledore’s brilliant reply:

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

I think the essence of this quote is what I need to successfully navigate step 3 in my 12 step recovery from compulsive overeating.

As far as I can go back in my childhood memory, I had faith in God, specifically Jesus.  I can recall with clarity talking to Jesus as an imaginary friend.  He was always looking out for me and I loved him.  I prayed to him at meals, in church and at bedtime, but only because my parents made me.  But we talked constantly.  Whenever there was no one else in the room, we would talk and talk and talk.  We sang.  I showed him my art.  We were pals.  Sadly, I continued to go to church and that simple faith got all bollixed.

I learned about the Old Testament.  I leaved about Revelations.  I learned about the Devil and I learned about hell.  At the point those seeds were planted, my faith was doomed.  As long as things went relatively well, I was able to cling to my faith.  I was a really rotten Christian, but a Christian none-the-less.

Then I doubled down by going to Bible College.  Ish!…make it stop.  I made the colossal mistake of learning theology.  I learned that the Christian Faith was cobbled together with some very outlandish claims.  I was compelled by peer pressure to tie my spirituality to my political views.  I accepted a very narrow world view and avoided anything that might lead me to a contrary point of view.

At a certain point, it all became too much and I had to moderate my views.  I changed denominations and embraced my liberal views.  But I still tried to keep my teetering world view intact.  This helped for a while.  I even began to think of going into the ministry.

But then I experienced true tragedy.  I felt real pain and I began to really empathize with the pain of others throughout the world.  My narrow world view could not explain what had happened to me; nor could it explain the suffering of others around the world.  In the span of a couple of years, my faith utterly collapsed.

I briefly tried to revive it with a program called Imagine.  But ultimately that turned out to be just another money making scheme ran by a corrupt minister.

So here is the big question:  How do I turn my will and my life over to someone or something I am not sure is real?

This is where I must turn to the great theologian Albus Dumbledore.  “Of course it is happening inside your head…but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

I love the way step 3 is worded.  It does not say turn over your lives to the God of the Jews, or the Christians, or the Muslims or the Hindus or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  It says God as we understand him.  That leaves space for even me.

I cannot, nor can anyone for that matter, empirically prove the existence of a god.  They cannot prove their point of view or their system of theology is right.  No one can even prove that god does not exist.  God in any way shape or form is not open to the scientific method.  You can debunk stories, dates, and miracles of all kinds.  But as to whether or not there is or is not a god is open to debate.

Here is what I do know.  That kid, the one who talked and sang to Jesus, he felt safe, loved and protected.  It may have all been in my head.  But it was right and good.

So that is who I will ask for help.  S/he may all be in my head, but that is also where all the food goes.  So if it works, I think I will give it a shot.

2c the shiny me


“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Today’s entry is inspired by a bit of dialogue from, “Return of the Jedi.”

Luke: Search your feelings, Father, you can’t do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.

Darth Vader: It is too late for me, son…

Luke: Then my father is truly dead.

Countless times, every morning, people ask, “How is it going?”  Nine times out of ten, I reflexively grunt back the obligatory, “Good.”  Once in a while, I will briefly do a quick self-assessment of my state of mind, before grunting, “Good.”  Same answer, but at least I thought about it.

When I am by myself and I really think about how I am, more often than not, I define myself as an emotional state.  I am OK (or more truthfully meh).  I am angry.  I am mad.  I am depressed.  I am disappointed.  I am unworthy.

Hmmm…I think I am seeing a trend.

Emotions are like asteroids in a gravity field.  Stuff gets clumped together.  Peebles becomes stones.  Stones become boulders.  Boulders become mountains.  Mountains become asteroids and asteroids become planets.

At its very core, a planet might have started out as a diamond or a nugget of gold.  But the planet is not defined by the initial bit of matter that started it, but by what predominantly makes it up its surface.  If you are surrounded by granite slabs, you are granite.

That is where I find myself.  I have always had a dark side.  But for much of my life it did not define me.  I was happy, funny, silly and a good friend.  But life took me through some rough territory and I allowed my environment to start to shape me.  Over time, my surroundings began to change me until now I am so corroded by anger, depression and despair that it defines me.

Like the quote above, I cannot let go of my hate because I feel that it is too late (that sounds like a Jesse Jackson quote).  My solution has been to binge, medicate and watch TV.   I eat and eat and eat.  I take enough antidepressants to choke a horse.  And I immerse myself in a world of television make believe.  Then when I am exhausted, I go to sleep.

I wear my unhappiness around my waist.  If left to my own devices, it will kill me.

Somewhere deep in my core, is the person I once was.  Choking between layers of fat is the best version of me.  But I cannot free that person.  He is imprisoned.

I need a power greater than myself to show me the way back.  I do not know who or what is out there, but I am calling and begging for help.

Help me.