“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Today’s entry is inspired by a bit of dialogue from, “Return of the Jedi.”
Luke: Search your feelings, Father, you can’t do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.
Darth Vader: It is too late for me, son…
Luke: Then my father is truly dead.
Countless times, every morning, people ask, “How is it going?” Nine times out of ten, I reflexively grunt back the obligatory, “Good.” Once in a while, I will briefly do a quick self-assessment of my state of mind, before grunting, “Good.” Same answer, but at least I thought about it.
When I am by myself and I really think about how I am, more often than not, I define myself as an emotional state. I am OK (or more truthfully meh). I am angry. I am mad. I am depressed. I am disappointed. I am unworthy.
Hmmm…I think I am seeing a trend.
Emotions are like asteroids in a gravity field. Stuff gets clumped together. Peebles becomes stones. Stones become boulders. Boulders become mountains. Mountains become asteroids and asteroids become planets.
At its very core, a planet might have started out as a diamond or a nugget of gold. But the planet is not defined by the initial bit of matter that started it, but by what predominantly makes it up its surface. If you are surrounded by granite slabs, you are granite.
That is where I find myself. I have always had a dark side. But for much of my life it did not define me. I was happy, funny, silly and a good friend. But life took me through some rough territory and I allowed my environment to start to shape me. Over time, my surroundings began to change me until now I am so corroded by anger, depression and despair that it defines me.
Like the quote above, I cannot let go of my hate because I feel that it is too late (that sounds like a Jesse Jackson quote). My solution has been to binge, medicate and watch TV. I eat and eat and eat. I take enough antidepressants to choke a horse. And I immerse myself in a world of television make believe. Then when I am exhausted, I go to sleep.
I wear my unhappiness around my waist. If left to my own devices, it will kill me.
Somewhere deep in my core, is the person I once was. Choking between layers of fat is the best version of me. But I cannot free that person. He is imprisoned.
I need a power greater than myself to show me the way back. I do not know who or what is out there, but I am calling and begging for help.