“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
When last I blogged, I spoke of my tenuous grip on sanity, that lead to my addiction to food. In this entry I want to begin to unpeel the multilayered onion that is my higher power.
I have no problem believing that there are powers greater than myself. What I struggle with is believing that there is a personality or individual behind that power. That is not a problem in OA. They don’t require you to label your higher power or align yourself with any particular creed or belief system.
But I carry a lot of baggage from when I did believe in a very personal and interactive higher power, specifically God. My misconceptions led me to rely too heavily on a relationship that let me down when I needed it most. Instead of tightening my grip on reality, it helped to facilitate my unraveling. Ultimately, I had to put that kind of thinking aside. I am not going to get into specifics here; nor am I going to try and resolve those feelings in this entry. For purposes of dealing with my food addictions, it is pointless.
What I am trying to focus on for my recovery is the fact that I am not the center of the universe. I am not alone. While I am whole in myself, I cannot function alone. My compulsive overeating requires me to believe that there is a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.
Here is how I have begun to come to peace with that realization: I am alive and am surrounded by other life. Life both seen and unseen saturates me, both inside and out. I am married and as a couple, we are greater than the individuals who comprise it. I have a nuclear family that is greater than the couple. My family is part of a much larger family made up of friends and relatives, which is greater than my household. That family in one way or another connects me to the whole of humanity. Humanity though it occupies the top notch of the food chain is just a small part of what comprises life on earth, which is greater than humanity itself. We are part of a galaxy which is part of a universe which is likely just one of many universes that comprise all of what is. Thought I am a tiny part of this cosmos. I draw energy and help is out there. There is a wealth beyond imagination that is there to help meet my needs.
There are ways of accessing the higher power around me that can help with my restoration to health. In my next entry I will elaborate on how I am trying to access that help.