Going Ape


This is my second post in one day.  But writing is one of the few things that keep me sane (or sane enough to function in normal society).

I think one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent is being in situations where you have to surrender control to members of the medical community.  It is frustrating beyond what I can adequately articulate.  When fear anger and frustration weigh heavy on your psyche, there are not always convenient outlets to vent the tension.

But that tension has to be released.  You either internalize it and it takes a toll on your body.  Or you lash out at some minor irritation.  I recognize this in others all the time.  You see it a lot in hospitals.  People freak out at the parking attendants, registrars, cafeteria workers and nurses.  Rarely did that individual do anything to warrant the wrath unleashed upon them.  But you cannot always control where the last straw comes from.

Last night, I got extremely acerbic with a stranger on Facebook.  We had differing political views and I got all snarky on her.  I am occasionally rude.  That is not what bothered me.  What bothered me was that my whole body was trembling and I wanted to insult her until she cried.  I wanted to inflict mental wounds that would sting for a couple of days.  I no longer saw her as a person of sacred worth, but a useless human being that was a parasite on humanity. 

That is not who I want to be.  I do not want to hurt others.  The loss of control scares me.  I see a counselor but of course they see you in a controlled setting so they only see Bruce Banner and not the Hulk.

This two will pass.  I just have to make it through the next two weeks.

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By Ben Posted in Life

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