Anything…mostly anything…something…this…nothing

I just finished reading a 9 book series of Star Wars books that revealed why Anakin Skywalker was the “Chosen One.”  <insert geeky sounds here>  It was funny because only a true geek would have picked up on the reason (you had to have read the whole series and watched all of the cartoons to understand it).  None of it had anything to do with the movies.  It was, oddly enough, something that happened in the animated series. 

Now stay with me, this has nothing to do with that plot except to serve as a setup for my musings today.  Basically, at one point in his life, Anakin is faced with a decision that alters the course of history.  He is faced with a choice, chooses the familiar and everything that happens from that point on is merely fallout.

When children are young, they are often told, they can be anything they want to when they grow up.  That may be true for a brief window, but as the days, weeks, months and finally years start creeping up, the scope of possibility narrows considerably.  While the years eek away, it is critical that they find their passion.  Passion keeps the scope of possibilities wide and vibrant.  But if you ignore your passion and just go with the flow, you wake up like me in your middle years and realize that you are wedged in the small in the tip of a funnel.

It’s both funny and tragic, I am 46 years old.  I am being thrown back into cube world at work, doing work that really benefits no one.  But because of commitments both financial and familial, I am trapped.  Due to a lack of imagination, I cannot even fathom what I would do were those constraints removed.  I mean I could hang out in a coffee shop all day, but that does not pay as well as one might think.

With the benefit of hide sight, I know where some of my missteps were.  I should not have majored in psychology.  I should not have gone to Bethany.  I should not have taken the first job I was offered out of school.  If I had not made any of those three choices, I would be in a very different place.  But would it have been any better?

My original major was biology.  Would that have led to a more fulfilling career?  I am not a psychologist…my major might have been immaterial. 

If I had never gone to Bethany, would I have finished school?  Would I have made the great friends I made?  Local colleges are fine, but they are not the best for meeting intimate friends.

If I had not taken the first job I found out of school, would I have found a better job?  I had no hard skills when I graduated.  At least I found a career that led to a semi lucrative position.  I wouldn’t have met my wife.  I would not have my family.  I might have spent my years lonely and isolated.

It is hard being past the half way point of life.  My life could certainly been better and more fulfilling, but it could also have been much worse.  So what do I do with act three?

I stew, meditate and stew some more hoping that I find fulfillment before the hour glass runs out of sand.  There has to be something out there.  I am waiting.

By Ben Posted in Life

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