Grow Gills…Quickly


So the History Channel is doing a miniseries on the Bible.  I am a bit of a Bible movie connoisseur.  Most of Bible movies, with notable exceptions, are the stuff of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, cheaply made, poorly acted and theologically conservative.  They are terrible, but I watch them anyway.  Maybe I should watch them with two puppet robots and make snarky comments.

Anywho…I was watching the latest series served up by the History channel last night.  I did not have time to watch the whole thing, but I wanted to get the flavor.  Here is my review of the first 10 minutes.

It starts with the flood.  Hey, nothing says loving God like genocide.  Noah and his family are being bounced about on the arky arky arky arky.  Everyone is drenched and miserable as they are being tossed about.  So Noah tells them the story of creation to remind his family of the deeds of God.

The creation bit is cool, but short.  It could have been epic if they coughed up a bit more cash.  Adam literally comes out of the mud and looks like an aboriginal warrior, very cool.  In general the creation story is glossed over and they cut right to the produce violation.  Sin…Cain…Abel…things go from bad to worse and then they cut back to Noah and the gopher barky barky barky.

With a 30 second montage from fruit to ark and they cut to the people outside the ark, neck high in water pounding on the sides.  Welcome to my childhood nightmare thanks to the Bible Story Books.  I was not 5 minutes into the movie and then they played out the most objectionable scene of prehistory.  Behold, I stand at the ark and knock.  If any man hears my voice, he will ignore me and let me drown.  Fuck you very much!

Here is the thing.  I like Genesis as mythology.  My favorite story of all time is the Joseph narrative.  But I have a problem with the apologetics that go along with God when he acts like a dick.  To be fair, I watch less than 10 minutes.

I have no neat conclusion to this entry, just my observations of Jesus on the boob tube.

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By Ben Posted in Life

One comment on “Grow Gills…Quickly

  1. Did you ever read my piece on imagining that creationists were right? If just the first half of Genesis is an accurate account, God must be a total screw-up. How many different plans for humanity did He come up with? It’s like watching a Road Runner cartoon, as God takes the ACME Flood out of its box to kill all the bad people, so Noah lives up to his role as the basis for a new, better human race by getting smashed on wine, collapsing in his tent, then cursing his son for seeing him naked.

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