95 Feces


I was listening to one of my favorite punk groups, The Violent Femmes.  They have a song called “Kiss Off,” that is presumably about O.D.’ing.  At one point the writer lists his grievances as he pops pills (presumably).

I take one one one cause you left me and
Two two two for my family and
3 3 3 for my heartache and
4 4 4 for my headaches and
5 5 5 for my lonely and
6 6 6 for my sorrow and
7 7 for no tomorrow and
8 8 I forget what 8 was for and
9 9 9 for a lost god and
10 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything

–Violent Femmes, 1983

At the point in the song, the artist definitely has the WTF attitude.  I am bobbing my head along to each of the lyrics. 1 1 1…2 2 2…blah blah…and then 9 9 9 for a lost god.  And I make an odd mental connection.  The song becomes the background music to Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to the door of Wittenberg.  I take one one one for indulgences…

Welcome to my brain.  It is a disjointed mess of goo.

So I start thinking about what pisses me off about “the church.”  (in the macro general sense…not a specific worshiping body)

I think wow, I wonder if I could come up with 95 beefs with the modern church.  Snort!  Yeah, I am Martin Luther…not!  But I did rather quickly come up with a list of 10 things I hate about the 21st century church.  For now it is just a list.  If I am ambitious, I may blog on each topic.  But for now it is just a list for the virtual door.

  1. Hell…the idea that anyone could deserve eternal punishment.
  2. Rapture…F’ off world, I am out of here!
  3. Devil…Really?  There is a being that would rival an all powerful God.
  4. Politics…Jesus is not a republican
  5. Prosperity…I love you Joel Olstein
  6. When bad things happen to good people it is a test or because of unconfessed sin…man, I must be a real asshole.
  7. The doctrine of the Trinity…OMG could there be a more disjointed theological cluster fuck?  Did anyone proof read this doctrine?  I think they were smoking pot…so he is totally god and totally human…drag…like…like an egg
  8. The cannon should be reevaluated…Yeah, um Joshua…not a big fan.  Leviticus really???  I am sooooo going to get stoned.
  9. Christianity is the only true religion…God is a trademarked entity of the Jesus corporations.  All violators will be prosecuted and persecuted…void in Wisconsin…damn Lutherans.
  10. Mega churches…take 2 cups Jesus…some spotlights…an orchestra…some slick marketing…presto…salvation baby!  See also #5

Interesting…there are dark clouds forming over my head.

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7 comments on “95 Feces

    • I wonder how ML got to 95. By the time you get to 80, I would think you start complaining about petty stuff.

      #87 cathedrals are drafty.

  1. Love it. Even better is that Microsoft is using the chorus from the Violent Femmes ‘Blister in the Sun’ on one of the ads. did anyone in advertising even CONSIDER the tune is about masturbation?
    Bwhahahahah
    Yours,
    Another Punk Still Dressing in Black
    p.s. Sheena IS a punk rocker

    • Or evil genius…what do most Middle School boys use their Microsoft computers for?…that’s right…Blister in the Sun

  2. Great list! The only thing I think I could add is Jesus Second Coming/Judgment Day…Were closer than ever to Jesus return… I mean we’ve got to be, right… it’s been about 2000 years, so it’s got to be any day now…

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