I feel like I have been on a vacation from planet earth. As I have shared many times in the blog, I suffer from depression. It ranges from a minor case of the blues to soul crippling despair. I used to be able to hide it from all but my closest friends. But recently I have had people at work comment that I have Perma-scowl. I took a good look in the mirror the other day. They were right. My face has been twisted into a knot from chronic unhappiness.
It has taken its toll on my relationships too. I had a rough patch in my marriage a little while ago. I actually thought my marriage winding down to an unceremonious end. Luckily I was able to pull out of that nose dive.
Some of my friendships have not fared as well. For the longest time I felt like no one wanted to befriend me. The truth is people have consistently reached out to me but I am always too “busy”, when in fact many times I was just too weary.
Last week I had chest pains and I went to the ER, thinking I was having a heart attack. When I walked into the hospital, I worried for my wife and son. But the thought of actually dying did not faze me a bit. In fact it was almost comforting. It ended up being an ulcer. Hurray 😐
That is not to say I am suicidal. I am not. I considered it in high school, but not since then.
I am not sure where I am going with this. I guess I am just giving voice to my thoughts. If you are out there and this resonates with you, know that you are not alone.
OK, putting the mask back on now. Altoid anyone?