Fast Forward

I bought my own Christmas present this year, TiVo.  I am a TiVo addict.  I have been using my cable company’s DVR for the last couple of years.  It sucks.  At the beginning of the month I did a little accounting and when I realized that it would only cost me $5 a month more than I was already paying. I jumped at the chance to return.

I love TiVo because it allows you to try some things and skip others.

My life is often like one long TiVo show.  On Saturday, I could not believe than another year had flown by.  I don’t use the play button in my life.  It is constantly in fast forward.

My sister gave me a new audio book for Christmas, “Mennonite in a Little Black Dress.”  I have laughed to the point of tears on several of my recent commutes.  The author’s Mennonite rearing is not unlike my own Pentecostal roots.  Growing up in a strict religious household warps you in some very interesting and funny ways.

But I contrast the author in one significant way.  She moved away from being Mennonite and filled her life with other things.  I just dropped my faith altogether and left a gaping hole.

Much of life revolves around the community obligations.  Obligations to whatever tribe you choose to be affiliated with.

I am a man without a tribe.  Sure I have family and work, but I am just a participant in theses circles.  I don’t scuba, listen to jazz or run marathons.  I just do crap.

As my life moves forward in fast forward, I am cognizant that I am running out of time to find my life’s passion.  I do not look forward to any specific occasion or activity.  I get up, drink coffee, go to work, drive home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to sleep with very little variation.  I am exhausted all of the time.  I take multiple antidepressants that do little more than mellow me out.

There has got to be something more.  I just have no clue how to find “IT.”


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