Self Loathing in Northern Virginia


I took my wife to the eye surgeon today to have her bi-annual checkup. I always have to drive her because they dilate her eyes and she cannot drive home.

While I was in the waiting room, I got an email from a colleague asking me to have my team work the weekend. Now I had an honest disagreement and I could have shared my concerns in a professional manner. But my lizard brain took over and I blasted out a nasty reply. I knew while I was typing it that it was a mistake to write the email, I knew it was a mistake to send the email. So naturally, I ignored my better judgment and sent it. After he graciously replied, I had to go hat in hand and apologize. Will I ever grow up?

After the appointment, I had to pick up Ethan from VBS. They were doing there closing singing and they showed a slide show of the week’s activities. I was extremely uncomfortable and I wanted to leave. I am in my Job phase. I vacillate between rage and utter disbelief in God. I don’t want my personal baggage to influence my son. But how could it not. From my perspective, my parents’ faith never wavered. And they had to deal with loss of a parent, the suicide of a close relative and the crème-de-la-crème; my mother had a major stroke.

But from my perspective, they never missed a beat. We continued to attend church 3X a week without interruption. Now I am sure they had their moments of doubt, but I never saw them blame god, little lone deny his existence all together.

I loathe myself for being such a poor role model. But I refuse to “keep up appearances.” I would rather burn in hell for not believing than faking it. I swear. I am such a child.

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