So the past couple of nights, I have been watching the history channel. They have had a cheesy documentary on the Seven Deadly Sins. I found it all very interesting until they did the show on Sloth. Then I started feeling a little uncomfortable.
Now I have always thought of sloth as being lazy, not doing ones work, shirking responsibility. But that is an extremely narrow view of sloth. More broadly defined, it can be said that it is slothful to live you life without zeal.
I cannot remember the last time I felt zeal for anything. I go to work. I take care of business at home. I am a marginal friend to a few people. But Zeal?…not so much.
My wife asked me the other day if I had any New Years resolutions. I almost laughed. Why would I set goals that I know I will never achieve?
The next day she said that she was concerned.
She said that I was depressed and that it was impacting her and Ethan.
This depression is weird. It is not the boo hooey variety. I just do not give a shit about anything. Apathy.
The answer might seem obvious. Find something you love and pursue it. Problem is…I have not a clue what to pursue. This hole I am in just seems to get deeper and deeper. And it narrows the further I go down. My world is shrinking.
I have tried drugs. They don’t work. I have tried therapy. It has not worked.
I am not sure of the solution. But it goes beyond the mind. It is a spiritual and physical problem too.
Dig dig dig dig dig…