The Fam and I went out to dinner with some friends from our old church. They felt the need to tell Jenn and me how awful the new music director is.
It was my hope that I had “moved on” since leaving Floris. But their comments lanced a hidden boil in my soul. It just churned up the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal. I am really at a loss as to how to get past this. While I can blather on about my forgiveness, my emotions still have a strangle hold on me. Were these friends not so close (like family), I would cut off contact. There are many people who were central in my life that have already been relegated to my life’s archive.
What is clear is that I am firmly entrenched in self denial. I have forgiven no one. If I had, the bitterness would not bubble up so readily. It is kind of scary to me that I can freely go about my life so long as I do not encounter a trigger. But that boil is still there. In the deep recesses of my consciousness there is a bottomless reservoir of anger.
How to rid myself of this malady, that is the question. Ignoring it has obviously not worked. I am at a loss as to how I rid my self of this this…thing. Maybe the reality is I will carry this for years until it is irrelevant. Somehow I doubt that forgiveness is a pretty ribbon on denial.
…something to meditate on.