The Fam and I went out to dinner with some friends from our old church.  They felt the need to tell Jenn and me how awful the new music director is. 


It was my hope that I had “moved on” since leaving Floris.  But their comments lanced a hidden boil in my soul.  It just churned up the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal.  I am really at a loss as to how to get past this.  While I can blather on about my forgiveness, my emotions still have a strangle hold on me.  Were these friends not so close (like family), I would cut off contact.  There are many people who were central in my life that have already been relegated to my life’s archive.


What is clear is that I am firmly entrenched in self denial.  I have forgiven no one.  If I had, the bitterness would not bubble up so readily.  It is kind of scary to me that I can freely go about my life so long as I do not encounter a trigger.  But that boil is still there.  In the deep recesses of my consciousness there is a bottomless reservoir of anger.


How to rid myself of this malady, that is the question.  Ignoring it has obviously not worked.  I am at a loss as to how I rid my self of this this…thing.  Maybe the reality is I will carry this for years until it is irrelevant.  Somehow I doubt that forgiveness is a pretty ribbon on denial.


…something to meditate on.


2 comments on “Spoiler

  1. I know where you’re coming from. I was fired from my first church job. The bitterness crept in slowly; I thought I could handle the blow. Yet months later I spiraled into deep depression. Now, I know that’s not encouraging. But I’m not saying you will (or should) spiral anywhere. Sometimes you may need an objective ear… I spent about $1000 on shrinks, and honestly I’m still have a spot of bother every time I drive past the church’s exit on the highway. I’m human.

    And so are you. Forgiveness takes time. And bitterness is a bitch (pardon my French) so don’t bottle it up. It will only destroy you. Keep talking about it. Keep blogging about it. Through letting it out and talking about it, it can’t control you.God will meet you in your quest. I believe he honors that you realize where you’re at and at least want to change.

    Don’t know if that helps. But know that at least someone is listening. And praying. Peace.

  2. Do you freaking live in my head?

    Be easy on yourself. Seriously. Forgiveness can take a LOT of time. And that’s something you owe yourself.

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