During my never ending training session on Friday, I started playing with Google tools. I found two that were kind of cool. One was a search engine for just blogs. The other was an RSS reader that allows you to read blogs across applications.
So while the boredom continued on the training front, I started searching blogs for items of interest. I stumbled onto someone’s blog about dealing with the impacts of VACTERL. VACTERL is the syndrome my son was born with and was the genesis of many of my depressed or angry blog entries.
As I read this other person’s blog, I became acutely aware that her family was in the “thick” of crisis. In my experience, years 1-4.5 are the hell years. I tried to give words of comfort, but words are really inadequate when you are going through something like that.
But as I read the entry, I became aware that my comparisons were all past tense. “I remember feeling that way.” The fact that my frame of reference is “wow that was hard” instead of “I know it is hard” is huge.
I just remember thinking, in the midst of the medical nightmare, that it would never end. I wanted God to wave his hand and make it go away and I was pissed when it did not. While it did not magically go away, it did subside. Over time the medical interventions decreased and other difficulties I learned to adapt to.
All this to say: my family survived (at least for now). And, with the exception of some extra pounds, I am no worse for wear. My faith has been badly battered, but it is still there. I am trying to make sense of all of this. I am grateful to have survived the ordeal. However I still struggle with the why. I used to think it was to help others going through the similar situations with their kids. But when I honestly reflect, I am not sure there was anything a more experienced person could have said to make it better when I was going through crisis. On some level when you walk “though the valley of the shadow of death” you walk alone. People can tell you they have been through the same thing, but crisis is deeply personal and different for each person.
The search for meaning continues.