Brain Freeze

Once or twice a year where I live in Virginia we have ice storms, also called freezing rain.  It happens when the ground is colder than the clouds in the sky.  Usually it falls like a heavy mist and immediately freezes on contact with the ground or any other surface.  Whenever this occurs, the city comes to a standstill.  Usually all offices and schools are closed.  Invariably when this happens, you are out of Pampers, prescription medication, or you want to go to Blockbuster because you are bored out of your mind.   So you go outside and find your car is incased in ice.  The doors are frozen shut.  Even the wheel wells are covered in ice.  The car cannot go anywhere in this condition.  What I find funny or even cool is that this problem is easier to solve than frost on the windshield.  When your car is covered in ice, it just takes one good whack with the brush side of an ice scraper, usually on the driver side window.  The ice cracks, you put your scraper in the crevasse and you push.  Then in sheets, the ice breaks and slides off the car, often just by its own weight.  Within seconds all of the ice gently glides off to reveal a clean car (better than a sudsy carwash).  It is kind of cool, in a 10 year old kid kind of way.


Well that is how I felt when I woke up this morning.  I opened my eyes and it was like giant sheets of ice slid effortlessly from my brain.  I was sanguine.  The world seemed brighter.  I went to church.  I remembered people’s names.  God seemed real.  Tears welled up in my eyes as the lay reader read the story of the prodigal son.  The tears escaped when she got to the part, “my son who was dead is now alive.”  That was me…the walking dead.


For the last 6 months I have been suffering from depression.  It is no secret that I take medication to counteract this.  But 6 months ago it stopped working.  Now I know what you are thinking, “why didn’t you go in sooner?”  The answer is simple:  at the time we were going through the litany of surgery and I just thought it was a normative response to stress.  After the crisis was over, I expected to bounce back in a couple of days.  The problem is when you are depressed, it is easy to loose track of time.  I kept expecting the mood to fade.  Then it was just too much of a bother to go in. 


Probably no one but Jenn could tell I was in a funk.  Though I may seem well rounded in the 360 world, in real life I put up the jovial guy façade.  I joke about everything so everyone thinks I am fine.  But people who are fine, don’t dread waking up in the morning.   People who are fine, do not constantly binge eat.  People who are fine are not hell bent on revenge.  People who are fine don’t lie on the couch hoping to just die.


So Wednesday I had my happy pills adjusted.  It usually takes several days to kick in.  Today was that day. 


If any of this resonates, please get help.  I doesn’t have to be that way.

By Ben Posted in Life

3 comments on “Brain Freeze

  1. I remember experiencing an “ice storm”. I was in Kansas with my flight instructor. We were there to pick up a new Cesna to fly back to California. But that morning we awoke to an icey wonderland. I’d never seen anything like it.

    After a couple of days delay, my instructor decided it was time to leave, ice or not. Being the rouge pilot he was, he told me it would not be a problem taking off in an ice encased aircraft.

    So bright eye’d, bushy tailed, naive me, I said “ok”.

    Since the little Cesna we were flying back to California didn’t have automated de-icers, we went out and pounded the ice off the wings and propeller with our bare hands. Then, after some very skillful piloting, we were headed west, off into the wild blue yonder.

    I supose it doesn’t matter how you get the ice off. All that really matters is that you’re able to free your wings and fly.


  2. This resonates so clearly to where I was a couple of months ago. I’m still waiting for my spiritual joy to return. I have had flickers of joy in the past few weeks so I know it’s coming.

    Thanks for this entry and your honesty.

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