I have got the Joy joy joy joy down in my heart? Where?
I am in the midst of the spiritual blahs again. Actually my life is a bit blah right now.
Have you ever had a moment of clarityâ€¦a moment when you know your place in the universe and you feel that you have a purpose? I have. At least I thought I did. Now I wonder if I am prone to delusions of grandeur.
Since about Jr. High, I have had some notion of a calling on my life. I spent much of that time thinking I would become a missionary to China. Later in High School I put those thoughts on hold because I was just not ready to act on them.
I later went to Bethany and although my major was psych, I still had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that I was missing my â€œtrueâ€ calling.
Fast forward to about 9 years ago. I attended a spiritual retreat called â€œthe Walk to Emmaus.â€ I spent most of that retreat in tears because I finally felt a strong calling on my life. I was to become a Methodist Minister.
The years that followed I was about as involved as anyone could be in ministry as a layperson. I ran a very successful ministry in our church called TnT (twenties and thirties). I planned retreats. I preached at the contemporary service. I even subbed at a friend of mines church.
I entered the candidacy program in my district and was assigned a spiritual mentor to determine if I was indeed â€œcalled.â€ I had to work through a workbook with my mentor and meet with him weekly. The more I proceeded the more certain I was of my calling. At the end of my exploration phase, my mentor asked me if I still felt called. I said yes and he said he sensed the same thing. I enrolled in the local seminary for the fall, and I was scheduled to meet with the board of ordained ministry as well as my Churches SPRC committee.
Then the bottom fell out of my world. Truly it was the best of times; it was the worst of times. My son was born. He is the joy of my life. But he came into the world with a lot of medical baggage. My personal/spiritual calling was on hold.
Then last spring I toyed with the idea again. Maybe I could manage this. But the events of this summer have led me to believe that it is not to be. I can continue torturing myself or I can admit defeat and realize that my â€œcallingâ€ was just an illusion. I was wrong.
So over that past weeks I have been trying to redefine my life. Unfortunately when you admit you are wrong about something that is so fundamentally core to your existence, it throws up a lot of dust. Things I have not questioned in years. I now question. If I am wrong about this, what else could I be wrong about?
I find myself sitting in church thinking â€œso what.â€ I have tried reading the Bible, but I have a similar reaction. I still pray, a lot. I feel like I am in a constant dialogue with God. Life, family, friendsâ€¦I pray about it all. But I think this mostly mental habit and not true communion.
I do not *do* well without goals. Right now I am ambivalent. Right now I just donâ€™t care. I keep volunteering for stuff in the hope that I may recapture a sense of meaning/direction, but for now it does not seem likely. For now I am marking time in the parade of life.