Too Close for Comfort


I had a bit of a scare today.  Today was the day for Ethan to have his stitches removed.  Because he has had so much medical poking and prodding done to him, he had to be put under general anesthesia.  Well he woke up in pain, with a fever, and his back was swollen.  Oh shit, not again.  I had Jenn call the surgeon.  He said that if he had a fever, he could not go under.  At the same time we were worried that we were going to have to have yet another surgery to install a shunt.

 

Luckily the fever was low enough that they could take out the stitches.  But as soon as they did, he started leaking again.  Double shit.

 

We are in a wait and see mode right now.  He put in more stitches, but the dissolvable kind this time.  He also put him on a mega antibiotic.  The discharge may just be puss from a spinal infection.  Hopefully the antibiotic will solve the problem.  But who knows.

 

I prayed this morning; but really I am not sure why.  I guess I should pray “thy will be done” (whatever dude…Ben International Version) instead of for healing.  I keep praying for healing or even that it doesn’t get worse.  But that does not seem to be working.  And the surest sign of insanity is to keep doing something the same way and expecting a different result. 

 

Maybe God thinks I am a stalker and he just wants me to leave him alone.  I think he wants to break up.  He thinks I am too needy.  My prayers probably go on the answering machine and he erases them as soon as he hears my voice.  The devil will probably serve me with a restraining order.  That’s OK, I will get His rabbit. 

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By Ben Posted in Life

5 comments on “Too Close for Comfort

  1. I do not know why some prayers get answered and some prayers don’t. I had an uncle that told Kim and I 11 years ago that the reason we lost our twins was because we didn’t have enough faith — I haven’t spoken to him sense and could care less if I ever do. the a**hole.

    Ben, I tell you that because I will be the last person that will presume to speak for God as to why things happen or why he doesn’t seem to answer prayers. Undoubtably some one will say, “Well, things happen for a purpose.” That is such complete BS. It is so freakin easy to say that when you are not the one in the midst of pain and dispair, or watching your child struggle day after day or looking at your wife knowing she is hurting and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop the pain for her. WHAT PURPOSE UNDER GOD’S HEAVEN WOULD JUSTIFY THAT??? And if you could give me a purpose would it make it any easier, hell no! The pain remains.

    I have searched for an answer since February of 1995. Every sermon I listen to, every Bible study I am a part or, every book I read, everytime I have a devotional, every worship song I sing, that question is waiting to be answered. And not yet has it been answered. No class at Bethany even came close to answering this and I ma pretty damn sure no seminary class would either. So I keep searching, and there is a part of me that is not even sure I want to know the answer, because I may not like what I find out.

    In the end, this all I know anymore: Satan is real, sometimes life happens and God is still bigger. I guess that is what gets me through, that is what keeps me wanting to be at His feet, because in that biggness of God there is so much that I do not understand.

  2. “Double shit,” indeed!! Keep us posted. And what’s with the rabbit bit? You been watching “Fatal Attraction” lately?

    Still praying out here…
    jac:

  3. I’m so sorry to hear this news Ben. They will have to pinpoint the source of the infection. Puting him on serious antibiotics is good, try to catch what ever it is as early as possible. I can not begin to imagine what you are all going through. Everyone has their own set of troubles. But no one can ever know another’s pain. I do know that regardless of the specifics of one’s challenges, how we cope with them is all that matters. I may not know how to say things in ways people understand but I know that what ever helps you find peace, even while in the midst of unbarable burden, is God’s answer to your prayers. I’ve met life and death and everything in between up close and personal countless times, professionaly and personally. “Life” happens. In all it’s dynamic aspects. How we choose to deal with it in every moment is God’s gift to us. Our ability to choose love even under the most difficult circumstances. Even when we want to curse the very nature of our being. God’s answer to our prayers is our strength to find our humanness, in the most inhumane of life’s antics. And this, Ben, you do impecably. I’ve read your blog posts as you meet all these trying situations and you always come up for air with a smile on your face. (albeit, sometimes under duress) My hat’s off to you sir, for being the example of God’s love in the most difficult of circumstances. Keep up the good work. Keep coming up for air, keep finding that smile, and know all the love you share rains doubly on you and your family.

  4. Tim I think you and I are alot more alike than you think. I will keep stumbling around in the dark. Maybe some day I will find the light switch.

    Judi…best freak out movie ever.

    Tamara thanks for the encouragement. Whenever I get too down on life, I read your blog and I remember that people are still capable of such beauty. Your words always move me.

  5. I just the blog, oh Ben we are praying for each of you! I undeerstand the whole why me question to God. LIFE JUST doesn’t make any sense. I wish it did but then we might be God and there can only be one. I love ya guys oodles.

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