I have been in a total cloud the past couple of days. Today I am starting to feel like myself again. I am really fighting the urge to wallow in self-pity. I am already self absorbed enough.
I am finding that some of the skills I used in my work life do not translate well in my personal/faith life. In software testing when you encounter a bug you always want to get to the root cause. If you do not know why a problem occurred, you may make an inappropriate fix that causes more harm than good.
I am rather good at root cause analysis. You could say it is my specialty. But this skill does not translate well in the realm of relationships. When something is not going well in one of my relationships I always want to know exactly why. This is true for my faith in God as well. When things go awry, I want to know exactly why. What is the root cause? Am I being tested? Am I being punished? Is it random chance? Is there any reason at all?
Problem is there is no good answer to these questions. Sometimes shit just happens. I can use some religious platitude about sin corrupting the world. But that does not really answer the question. Blah blah blahâ€¦
On the upside, I just had a normal conversation with coworkers where I was not the topic of discussion. I want to jettison all memories of the last 6 weeks. It happened. It sucked. There is no reason for it and now it is over. I wish my brain worked like TiVo. Then I could put the pleasant memories on green dot and delete all the unpleasant stuff. Hmmmmâ€¦there is a really bad screenplay in there somewhere.