Partly Cloud

I have been in a total cloud the past couple of days.  Today I am starting to feel like myself again.  I am really fighting the urge to wallow in self-pity.  I am already self absorbed enough.


I am finding that some of the skills I used in my work life do not translate well in my personal/faith life.  In software testing when you encounter a bug you always want to get to the root cause.  If you do not know why a problem occurred, you may make an inappropriate fix that causes more harm than good.


I am rather good at root cause analysis.  You could say it is my specialty.  But this skill does not translate well in the realm of relationships.  When something is not going well in one of my relationships I always want to know exactly why.  This is true for my faith in God as well.  When things go awry, I want to know exactly why.  What is the root cause?  Am I being tested?  Am I being punished?  Is it random chance?  Is there any reason at all?


Problem is there is no good answer to these questions.  Sometimes shit just happens.  I can use some religious platitude about sin corrupting the world.  But that does not really answer the question.  Blah blah blah…


On the upside, I just had a normal conversation with coworkers where I was not the topic of discussion.  I want to jettison all memories of the last 6 weeks.  It happened.  It sucked.  There is no reason for it and now it is over.  I wish my brain worked like TiVo.  Then I could put the pleasant memories on green dot and delete all the unpleasant stuff.  Hmmmm…there is a really bad screenplay in there somewhere.


Peace out.

By Ben Posted in Life

3 comments on “Partly Cloud

  1. I know what you mean, I am a programmer and have the same attitude.

    You know, we have been through a boatload of crap with Lee, peaking during 2003-2004 where he was in and out for 8 times before they final decided they needed to keep him awhile. I still wish that I could make that year go away. But I at least see some point now. There are three people at work who have children with autism, and two of them I have been able to give help and all three I have been able to give encouragement. My wife has been able to really help out 4 other families that are dealing with similar issues, not just with recommendations on what to do, but being able to share with them, encourage them, and just basically try and give them someone to talk to who has been there.
    Don’t get me wrong, I would change it in a heartbeat and skip the hard times, but at least it isn’t totally worthless.
    I remember a verse somewhere, and I am too lazy to look it up, but it is something about testing, that your faith, of greater worth than gold, is refined by fire. It sucks, it really does, but some day I think we will know. And it will be clear. Hang in there man. It helps me to know that I don’t know, but He does. He really does. Keep the faith.

  2. “…sometimes the search for the answer reveals questions we never thought to ask…sometimes the path that lays before us leads us….so far into the future we meet the past…”

    (of course…it’s all in a song) 🙂

  3. As one who is tempted to wallow in self-pity for far lesser reasons, I have some idea of what you mean, Ben. I had about six months I’d like to erase (ended about a year ago) and have no idea how that terrible time fits into the grand scheme. Someday we may know. Or, perhaps, God will say, “Hey, it rains on the just and the unjust. That’s the way the moral universe functions because otherwise I’d have to alter reality and change the laws of physics about every three seconds, and that would be a different kind of crazy.” Or, to paraphrase, “Shit happens.”

    So . . . I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. And I hope and pray that this round is over for you guys.

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